Out of the many things that make us Indians very unique and different from the people of the
rest of the world, family ties or
bonds is right up there. Nowhere in the world
(except perhaps some other neighbouring countries in the sub-continent) would this value
be found so starkly different
than in our place and among our people. Our concept
of family is so vast and all-encompassing that what is generally nuclear for the rest
of the world could look like an
entire atomic structure of Uranium or Plutonium
for us !
Even though we too are becoming more and more nuclear now, and
breaking away from the traditions of joint family, the field and more so the
influence of the extended family members run large among us that it is
almost impossible for us to consider ourselves “out of our family” any time.
And come any occasion or a festival, they all are there back again together.
Marriages are often between families rather than between two individuals. Not
only blood is thicker than water in most cases, even skin becomes thicker than
leather, to weather many trials and tribulations, thanks to that one odd Bua
here or an Uncle there or a few cousins and what have you! The problem gets
compounded with the arrival of a bride into the system. Along with the added
dimensions of her own kith and kin, she needs to now cope with the new “paltan”
of her husband’s family and the equations have to be properly established, not
to mention the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law equation that occupies the centre
stage of it all. Most often the son (or the husband) is caught in between
totally clueless among these dynamics for not “getting it” at all from anyone’s
perspective, let alone his own. It is sometimes very funny to see that guys who
take multi-million dollar decisions for their companies where they work, can’t
take simple decisions on where to go for a vacation on Diwali or which all
houses should be visited when you go to some place, without the “necessary
blessings” from those who pull the strings. At times even such things as which
dress to wear!
It is during such crisis, a job out of India comes as a big
welcome relief for the newly-weds or even the much married! But then only for a
brief while until we get to know the other side of the story across the seas,
where the parents (irrespective of whether they are still together as spouses)
maybe even living in the same town as their kids, but hardly spending any time
with them. Old age people take recourse to showing affection to pets and live
alone in a big house with just a dog to give company. In the movie “What a girl
wants”, when Daphne (the American girl) comes to meet her British father in
London and when she tries to hug her grandmother, the old lady says – “No
hugging dear. I’m British. We show affection to dogs and horses only.” As we
saw in the case of the Bengali couple who were arrested in Norway by the Child
Police, even force feeding or sleeping with children in the same bed could land
you in trouble in many places. So there is a cold distance or what they term as
“courteous detachment”, that gets built in relationships there which could be
quite suffocating for many Indians. The problem gets worse when one of the
spouses die at an old age and the other has to live the rest of the life all
alone. That is when we realise the value of our family ties back home here. The
joy of seeing our people when we come home for every vacation rather than going
to Hawai or Fontainebleau, notwithstanding the heat, humidity, traffic, cows and
cow dung back home! Despite all the "other troubles" that we face, it
is the sheer pleasure and warmth of meeting our own and the support system they
provide specially in the times of difficulties and miseries, that we miss
elsewhere in the world. There is an untold sense of security we get being
amongst our own family members that becomes so much a part of our identity as
much as a value.
We learn many things in that process - the art of adjusting, the
skills of negotiating, the joy of sharing, the power of networking, the value
of respecting, the support while suffering, and the strength in enduring. We
realise how important inter-dependence is as opposed to parasitical dependency
which is what made us look out for independence. If only the elderly too realise
this and keep the right distance and give a longer rope to the young, the
expectational burden that they put would not weaken the younger ones'
shoulders. Many a times, the elders in the family simply forget that there is a
fine line between what is intervention, which is required and what is
interference, which is not required and over step that line. It is in
maintaining that "safe distance" yet keeping the warmth of the
relationships the balance would be struck.
Yet it is pathetic to see how we are losing our grips on this
beautiful value and moving farther away from our dear and near ones many times
because of a silly ego issue that is not worth a dime. Often a marriage
against a parental wish, or a career choice or sometimes as silly as being nice
to someone a particular family member hates, becomes good enough reason to keep
us apart. Aged single parents move helplessly between one house to the other,
as part of "sharing the burden" and sometimes get offloaded into some
"home" where there are other such destitute elders. Worse, they are
simply dropped off in Kumbh mela in Allahabad or Haridwar or Kasi. My mother
used to say,"one mother can take care of seven children, but seven
children together cannot take care of an old mother!"
This is heart rending. Specially for those who have lost their
parents or are far away from them and cherish to be with their dear and near.
Ask those who are living abroad what happens to them during festival times when
they miss their own people, and they will tell us how gut wrenching it could
be. While it is good to go nuclear and keep the "safe distance" and
be independent, it is also equally important to recognise the uniqueness in
these values that make us as true Indians and proud ones at that. Let us not
lose them, and in the process lose ourselves. Bonds are meant to strengthen us,
and not to get us "bound". That is the true meaning of Raksha
bandhan. The bond of security. The bond of love. The bond that makes us whom we
are.
