Be compassionate to yourself..

If you're familiar with that ubiquitous Marianne Williamson quotation ("Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure …"), you might also have come across its slightly more reserved cousin: "If someone talked to you the way you talk to yourself, you would have kicked them out of your life a long time ago.

The irony of those feel-good sayings, which can be found on many a Facebook wall, Twitter bio, and Pinterest board, is that people who believe that they deserve validation are likely already on the right track. (Much quieter are people whose insides shrivel at the thought of laying any claim to Williamson's "power beyond measure, or even basic kindness—not necessarily out of cynicism, but due to a single-minded conviction in their own worthlessness.)

In a sense, a self-loathing person believes that he or she is the realist. Well coming to reality for someone who is self-loathing. It depends on the person and what their fixation is. Some people think they're really stupid; some people think they're weak; some people think they're ugly. Whatever it is, it colors their daily life. You dress as fast as possible to hide your body without looking at yourself in the mirror because you can't stand it—and then you've put on an outfit that maybe isn't the most flattering. You become fake because you're covering up your own self-loathing, and you can't really pay attention to your spouse, or your boss, or the friend that you're going out with, since part of you is absorbed in, how do I look? How do I sound? Terrible?

The way I see it, we make ourselves hard to love. There's a certain negative narcissism aspect to having low self-esteem. People who totally adore themselves are hard to love because they only see themselves and it's hard for them to care about you. But people who hate themselves are also hard to love because they, too, are so self-absorbed that their own needs and miseries obstruct their view of another person. You can't see into someone else's heart if you are so wrapped up in yourself. If you're sitting there, sobbing on the bed and there's someone beside you saying, "But I love you," and you reply, "No! I'm so worthless!" you're basically saying 'screw you' to that person. If we can have compassion for ourselves, then we are inviting ourselves to have compassion for others, which makes relationships fairer and more equal.

I've seen how difficult it is for people that are in relationships with a person who hates [himself]. They feel that they are not being listened to, and that their care and concern for the self-loathing person is being rejected. 

If you are the friend, understand that they are living in a state of delusion, at least for now, and that arguing with them is just going to make them more firmly entrenched in their incorrect beliefs. Complimenting people with low self-esteem often doesn't work because it's very difficult for them to accept simple praise. Humor often makes a difference because people with low self-esteem are so down on themselves and so depressed that if you make them laugh, you're bringing them out of themselves.

The way to save ourselves is, among other things, to break those habits that keep us rooted in our self-loathing and in the way that people see us—which make others feed back to us our wrong beliefs about ourselves. If you are always apologizing, some people will feel sorry for you and some people will stomp on you, but in either case that's probably not the real you. Do you really feel that sorry about everything you do? Do you really feel like you need to beg everyone for permission? Probably not. Look at the things you do as if they were on a movie screen and take away the I did it because I'm an idiot. The more you become aware of that thinking and those habits, the easier it becomes to shift them.

For me, I'm in a state of acceptance, and that is a huge, huge difference. In my 20s, I have a friend who literally would, in earnest, look in the mirror and say, "I look handsome" — and he means it. I was always like, 'Whoa, that is so weird.' I'm not saying let's all be like him, but we can get to the middle and just be. It's funny: I'm not looking in the mirror, or complimenting myself, or thinking about myself very much. I'll walk through the day just thinking, "Oh, there's a crow," and I'm so grateful for that.

Losing someone...

When you lose someone, someone you love, they break your heart. It's the hardest thing you could ever go through. And no matter how much time has passed, it never really goes away.

You may think you're getting better, but then you get a flashback, or hear a song that reminds you of a memory, and it hits you all over again,all at once, like a stab in the chest. You fall apart, perhaps for the hundredth time. And you feel like you just want to crawl under a rock and never come out. You love this person with all of your heart, even though you know you shouldn't. They hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt. They stole your happiness. But yet, you still want them, and only them. Other people come along and give you chances to move on, but you know you don't want to.It upsets you that you might be moving on, because you promised you never would. And even if they broke all their promises, you want to keep yours.

On top of that, you're terrified. Terrified of getting hurt again. But it's not like it matters anyway, at the end of the day you're still thinking about the person who has left you completely broken.

You don't want to miss them anymore. You don't want to love them anymore, but you know you always will.

Look who is talking...

Just because I’m talking to myself, it doesn’t mean I’m listening. It’s not that I ignore myself entirely, it’s just that some of the voices inside my head are not saying things that I want to hear anymore. In particular, I’ve stopped listening to the critical, scolding voice that tells me incessantly that everything I do is wrong.

It took me a lifetime to realize that I am essentially three people. Most people only know me for the person I present to the world, the person I pretend to be. This is the “me” that I want the world to see – an optimistic, confident and happy person. But this “pretend me” mostly tries to conceal another person – my negative self-image. And buried somewhere deep in my psyche is a third “me”, the real and authentic person I was meant to be.

But by far the most important thing that I have ever discovered about myself is that my negative self-image is not the truth. It is not reality.

Every day of my life, my energy was focused on a battle between the person I wanted people to see and my negative self-image. There was no hope for the person that was truly me.

For years, I soaked up emotions but never let them show on the outside. Feelings circled inside me in a loop of rage and fear, helpless to change anything. Everything I did was to prove that I was not worthless. But I failed. Inside, I was still the worthless child, desperate for approval, afraid to make loving relationships for fear of rejection and abandonment.

It is the same for most of us. Only by knowing that our negative self-image is not the truth can we begin to rejoice in the person we truly are, the person we were meant to be. To know that love does not automatically result in rejection. To know that we are not worthless, that we have as much right to be here as anyone. To know that the world would not be a better place without us.

Picture yourself as you know yourself to truly be. Not the negative self-image that other people gave you. And not the person you pretend to be. Picture yourself in every detail and imagine the incredible thrill of what it would be like to be the real you.

Don’t get to the end of your life knowing that no one ever knew who you really were. The real you is longing to see the light of day.